


The Art of Letting Go

by winwinsbae



Category: Johfam, NCT, Peachzens, Yutazen, nctzens - Fandom
Genre: Complete, Fluff, Friendship, Heartache, Hospital, Hurt, Jaehyun - Freeform, Johnny - Freeform, M/M, Medical, Nature, Pain, Sadness, jaehyun is a troubled person, johnjae are cousins, nct - Freeform, slowburn, yujae, yuta - Freeform, yuta is kinda feisty but soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:47:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25274911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winwinsbae/pseuds/winwinsbae
Summary: Regardless of his seemingly perfect life back home, Jaehyun decides to leave the city, as he lands a job as an assistant cook at his family's hospice. Despite the repetitive nature of his job, Jaehyun finds peace in his work.Things change, when Jaehyun crosses paths with Yuta Nakamoto, a stubborn yet interesting patient in his workplace. During their short lived time together in the hospice, Jaehyun learns what it's like to cope with loss.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta, Nakamoto Yuta/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 5
Kudos: 48





	The Art of Letting Go

**A/N:This fanfic is Inspired by the drama ‘Chocolate’. Also, I recently did a book review for** **_The Year of Magical Thinking_ ** **for my class and I ended up liking it so I decided to incorporate it in this fic. Hope you guys like it.**

**I’m not a doctor or a med student or ever have I stepped into a hospice in my life. But, I know people who work in healthcare. Also, this might not be the happiest story out there. I tried to make it close to ‘real life’...Hopefully I didn’t sugar coat anything.**

****Thank you for @y_yutafever on Twitter for Beta Reading my fic!!! Your feedback meant a lot <3 ** **

  
  


For some reason, the kitchen was never busy, which is why Jaehyun found his workplace the most relaxing, as he tuned out most of the time. He reserved most of his energy towards cooking the patient’s food, as he kneaded dough in the kitchen and peeled onions for most of his shifts. 

He was an assistant cook at a small hospice in a remote province for the summer--just until he had to go back to school. Jaehyun figured that working at a place like this was better than staying in Seoul all summer. 

“Sorry...my car broke down and I don’t think I'm going to make it until 11 o’clock,” the head chef; Youngho said over the phone. 

Youngho was Jaehyun’s cousin. While the director of this hospice was Ahn Seung-ho, who was Youngho’s father. Despite their granted authority to this place, Seungho and Youngho were nothing but humble. From every other summer break, Jaehyun would visit this hospice. Yet, his shy nature prevented him from talking to most of the patients, as he relied on Youngho to do all the talking. 

“Are you serious?” Jaehyun groaned. 

“Well, would I be calling you if it wasn’t?” Youngho retorted. 

“I was joking. But...who is going to make the remainder of the food?” 

“You’ve seen me cook right?” Youngho said. 

“Yes, over twenty times in the course of two weeks…” Jaehyun answered. 

“My book of recipes are in the drawer on the bottom left counter,” Youngho said. “And since it’s Wednesday, we’re making omelettes with kimchi on the side.” 

“Well, I guess that’s fair enough,” Jaehyun said. 

“But...you can’t serve them to one patient,” Youngho said. “The one in Room 105.” 

“Oh, the Japanese one?” Jaehyun asked. 

“He has a name you know…” Youngho said. “It’s Yuta.” 

“Yeah...I know,” Jaehyun sighed. 

“He’s allergic to eggs.” Youngho stated. 

“So the alternative is…” 

“Kimchi fried rice,” Youngho said. “Make it extra spicy.” 

  
  


“Got you,” Jaehyun said. 

“...” 

“Oh the auto-repair man is coming…” Youngho said. “Gotta go.” 

“Bye,” Jaehyun said. 

Unfortunately, there were no forms of good public transportation in their province. Only a car, bike, or taxi would do. The buses were often one hour apart from each other. That was the only downside though, as the beautiful scenery compensated for how backwards this place was. There were always things to see, like mountains, the sea, and importantly, the breeze of the fresh South wind. 

  
  


Truth be told, Jaehyun didn’t want to make Youngho panic. In fact, he’d already felt the pressure of preparing each patient’s meal. He could not bear to call in the part timers as of now. Jaehyun figured he would do all the handwork himself, as he headed over to the hooks and tied an apron around his waist. After putting his apron on, he washed his hands vigorously under the sink, just like how he did in med school. 

Jaehyun got his hands to work, as he took out the marinated beef out of the fridge, along with the eggs and the kimchi. He heaved a great sigh as he gaped at the amount of ingredients on the counter. There were only ten patients as of now. Hopefully, his will to cook would catch up by the time he turned the stove on. 

_ “The patient in Room 105...he’s a fierce one…”  _

_ “What do you mean hyung?” Jaehyun asked.  _

_ “He’s a picky eater. He likes things spicy...he doesn’t like vegetables, but he likes Kimchi. Oh, and he’s allergic to eggs.”  _

_ “Must be a tough life,” Jaehyun said, as he shook his head.  _

_ “Well...it’s not like we can convince him otherwise...I mean the hospice is where you’re supposed to live your best life before you...well…I’m not gonna finish my sentence, but you know what I mean.”  _

  
  


Jaehyun thought about that very moment, as he whisked the eggs in his bowl. Not only did he have to cook the food, but he also had to deliver them to the patients. With that task in mind, his worries grew. 

**

Finally, Jaehyun was done cooking the food. Thankfully, he managed to cook the eggs without burning them. One of the nurses--Joohyun, offered to assist him in distributing the meals to the rest of the patients. 

“The patient in Room 105...he’s very good friends with Youngho-ssi,” Joohyun said. “I think he’d prefer  _ you  _ to deliver his food.” 

“Why me? It’s not like I’m Youngho.” 

“It’d be nice for you to get out of this kitchen once in a while,” Joohyun said, as she placed the tray on top of Jaehyun’s arms. 

“Fine,” Jaehyun sighed. 

“You have such a handsome face. More handsome than Youngho but he manages to have more friends than you,” Joohyun chuckled. 

“A handsome face doesn’t grant you good social skills,” Jaehyun said. 

“How are you going to be a doctor if you can’t even talk to your patients?” 

Jaehyun glanced down, and kept his lips pursed. 

Joohyun snuck a grin, as she opened the door for the young man. They drifted to their separate ways, as one of the doctors approached Joohyun. Jaehyun took each step slow, in hopes of not dropping his tray on the ground. He had a reputation for being a bit clumsy. Thankfully, he didn’t wear shoes with any laces today. 

Finally, Jaehyun reached room 105. He snuck one arm under the tray and then lifted the other, as he knocked on the door. 

  
  


Jaehyun gulped, as he twisted the doorknob. On the bed, he saw the man he anticipated, his head turned to the window. 

  
  


“Youngho?” 

  
  
  


A mini table was propped on Yuta’s lap, as Yuta sat up straight behind it. 

_ “Yuta has ocular melanoma,” Youngho said.  _

_ Jaehyun loosened the grip of his whisk, as he glanced over to Youngho.  _

_ “He’s our age too and he’s already on his deathbed...on top of that, he’s completely lost his vision.”  _

Yuta stepped closer to the bed, and placed the tray on Yuta’s table. To Jaehyun’s surprise, the room was completely bright, as the sun’s rays bounced against the pale walls.

Jaehyun placed each utensil adjacent to the plate, making it accessible to Yuta’s reach. 

As Jaehyun placed the glass of water down, Yuta’s head turned towards him. 

“You’re not Youngho, are you?” 

“...” 

“Because if you were Youngho,” Yuta said. “Then you would be yapping already.” 

“...” 

“Don’t answer me in silence. Who are you?” 

“Um…” Jaehyun said, as he placed the tray behind his back. “Youngho’s cousin. Jung Yoonho. But I prefer to be called Jaehyun.” 

“Your voice is deep...just like Youngho’s.” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Jaehyun said. 

“Where is he?” 

“Um...his car broke down,” Jaehyun answered. 

“I see…” Yuta said, as he picked up his spoon. “You know that I don’t like eggs right?” 

“Youngho told me,” Jaehyun said. “In fact, you’re allergic to them.” 

“Good thing he told you,” Yuta said, as he scooped a porion of his rice. 

“Do...do you need help…” Jaehyun said, as his hand reached for Yuta’s. 

“I’m blind, but I am able-bodied….” Yuta chuckled. 

“...” 

“Do you...Do you need anything else?” Jaehyun asked. 

“No,” Yuta said. “But I would like to say…” 

“...” 

“I like the amount of garlic you put in this kimchi fried rice.” 

“Really?” Jaehyun asked. “I mean, we were running out of-” 

“I realized...it tastes better without garlic,” Yuta said. 

Youngho was right, Yuta was difficult. Difficult yet interesting. Taking this thought into consideration, Jaehyun pitied him more than ever, knowing that even a guy like Yuta could succumb to death in any moment. 

The first thing that Jaehyun noticed about Yuta was his dark sunglasses that were too big for his face. After that, it was his bony wrist that looked sharp as a rock, and his plump, yet ash-colored lips. He could turn into a skeleton in any second, much to Jaehyun’s fear. 

“Thank you for the meal,” Yuta said. 

**

“Sorry I’m late,” Youngho said, as he burst through the back door. 

“There’s nothing you can do about it,” Jaehyun said. 

“How was breakfast? Did an allergy outbreak happen?” 

“Nope,” Jaehyun said, as he wiped the plate. “In fact, it was quite peaceful.” 

  
  


“Poor you had to wash all the dishes,” Youngho pouted. 

“I had the volunteer Haechan help me.” 

“Where is he right now?” 

“He’s helping with the laundry upstairs,” Yuta said. 

“We definitely need more staff...too bad we lack the funds to do so,” Youngho said. “It’s going to be even worse when you have to go back to med school…” 

“Actually…” Jaehyun said, as he placed his washcloth down. 

“What?” Youngho asked. 

“I took a leave from med school.” Jaehyun said, as he fumbled with the hem of his t-shirt. 

Youngho’s he gaped at his cousin in utter shock. Heaving a sigh, Jaehyun had already anticipated his cousin’s reaction. 

“You...you what?” 

“I...I couldn’t handle it,” Jaehyun admitted. 

“Why not?” 

“I figured out that...I lack empathy for people,” Jaehyun said. 

“Does that mean you’re supposed to drop something as huge as med-school?” Johnny asked. 

“I’m not fully dropping it...I just don’t know when I’m going back. ” Jaehyun said, glancing at the side. “And I don’t know if I’ll  _ ever  _ go back.” 

“D...does...do your parents know?” 

“No,” Jaehyun said, as he shook his head. “Not a clue.” 

“They were so excited about you getting accepted...they couldn’t shut up about it at the dinner table last year,” Johnny scoffed.

“I know, because I was there…” Jaehyun said as he narrowed his eyes. 

“What are you planning to do now?” 

“I don’t know,” Jaehyun said, as he crouched to the floor. “That’s why I came here because I don’t have a plan.” 

“If you don’t have empathy for people,” Youngho said, as he squatted to Jaehyun’s reach. “Then why would you be here right now?” 

Jaehyun’s eyes widened. 

“If you didn’t have empathy...then you could’ve just ditched this kitchen when I told you that I was going to be late…” Johnny said, as he placed his shoulder on Jaehyun’s. 

“But…” 

“Do people with no hearts cook food for patients?” 

“Well...it’s a job-” 

“It’s not like you had to do this job. You called my dad over the phone and asked if you could be the assistant chef for the summer…” 

“Yeah but it’s because I wanted to hang out-” 

“Not even my friends want to do this job,” Johnny said, as he rose from the ground. “Not even Doyoung.” 

“...” 

“I’m not forcing you to go back to med school but...all I wanted to say is that you do have empathy,” Johnny said. 

“I guess this is why people find you charming,” Jaehyun said, as he rose from the ground. 

“...” 

“This is why the nurse Joohyun said that you have more friends than me. You’re good at talking, and you know it…” Jaehyun scoffed. 

“Well...that’s why I was class president,” Youngho said. “Anyways…” 

It was silent between them for a while, as they went back to their designated areas. In lieu of their voices, The sound of the water running and Johnny’s recurring fridge door closing filled the air. 

“...” 

“How...how was it with Yuta?” Youngho asked. 

“With him? Well...it...it was good, I guess…” Jaehyun said. 

“Isn’t he interesting?” Youngho asked. 

“Yeah…” 

“Don’t you want to be friends with him?” 

“Me? Friends with him?” Jaehyun asked. 

“Yeah, why not?” Youngho asked. “I mean you already prepared his meal. He must’ve liked it right?” 

“That was only a one time thing,” Jaehyun said. “And it happened because you weren’t here to cook his food.” 

“We can make it a forever-thing,” Youngho smiled. “From now on, I’ll make you deliver Yuta’s food.” 

“Youngho!” Jaehyun cried. 

“I’m saying this as your boss...not your cousin,” Youngho smirked. 

Jaehyun rolled his eyes. There were times where Jaehyun wanted to smack Youngho, and this was one of them. 

“The menu for him tonight is…” Johnny said, as he glanced cover to his patient’s meal plans. “Ox bone soup.” 

**

After Youngho and Jaehyun cooked the last meal of the day, they headed to Yuta’s room. Without the need to knock, Youngho and Jaehyun entered room 105. Like before, Yuta was already sitting up in his bed. Not a gap of light could be seen in between the curtains, as the night made its arrival. 

“Sorry it took us long,” Youngho said, as he headed over to Yuta’s bedside. “But we’re here now!” 

“I missed your voice,” Yuta grinned. 

That was the third thing that Jaehyun noticed about Yuta. His bright smile. Which was blinding in a way that made it difficult for Jaehyun’s legs to move. 

“I’m thirsty,” Yuta said. 

Jaehyun immediately snapped out of his daze, as he walked over to Yuta’s bed. He placed both the pitcher and the glass down. 

“Were you bored without me?” Youngho asked. 

“Kind of,” Yuta said. “I managed to survive by listening to an Audio Book.” 

“What are you reading right now?” 

“A Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion,” Yuta replied. 

“Isn’t that a foreign book?” Youngho asked. 

“There’s the Japanese and Korean translations for it you know…” 

“What is it about?” Youngho asked. 

“It’s a memoir about...a woman losing her husband to a heart attack…” 

“Why are you reading such sad books?” Youngho asked, as he placed the spoon in Yuta’s hand. 

“I want to know how people will feel if I go away,” Yuta said, as he lowered his head near the soup. “Wow this soup smells good…” 

“You should be reading happy things…” Youngho said. “Right Jaehyun?” 

Jaehyun was in the middle of pouring water into Yuta’s glass. 

“He’s here?” Yuta asked. 

“Yeah,” Youngho said. 

  
Jaehyun’s chest tightened. 

“I’m sorry…” Yuta said, shifting his weight on the bed. “I didn’t mean to talk about sad things. I only talk about these sorts of things with Youngho.” 

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun said. “The book you talked about sounds interesting.” 

“Thank you...my mom bought it for me on my tablet...she told me I should read it whenever I get the chance.” 

“Anyways,” Youngho said. “You should eat now.” 

“You’re right...I’ve been craving this soup for a while now.” 

“You have it almost every day,” Youngho joked. 

“That’s why I can’t have anything else for dinner.” 

Jaehyun often wondered how Youngho had the courage to befriend a person that was about to die-not only with Yuta, but with the other patients in this hospice. It was a question that Jaehyun wanted to ask him for the longest time. Nevertheless, Jaehyun couldn’t bring himself in Youngho’s shoes. 

Jaehyun wanted to leave, but his reluctance to disappoint Youngho took over, as he stood awkwardly at the corner, watching them converse. 

He diverted his attention to the shelf across Yuta’s bed. There were pictures of Yuta in soccer uniform, as well as medals that hung over the picture frames. From Jaehyun’s estimation, Yuta was probably a big shot in soccer. The thought of Yuta running freely in a green field was a stark contrast from the Yuta that sat in his hospital bed. 

People often overestimated their value in this earth, especially with the fragility of the human body. What was the point of taking life seriously when you’re only here to die? Knowing this fact, Jaehyun viewed life to be meaningless. 

**

“Oh shit, I forgot something…” Youngho said, as he fumbled his pockets. 

“What is it?” Jaehyun asked, about to go through the exit. 

“My phone....just go ahead, I think I left them in the kitchen…” Youngho said, as he dashed off. 

Perhaps, Youngho’s biggest flaw was his forgetfulness, as he either forgot his keys, his bag, or his phone--especially at times when they were about to head out. Jaehyun considered him to be a good guy with a bad memory. 

Since Youngho didn’t have his car, Youngho’s father lended him the car key, stating that he would be sleeping at the hospice overnight. Youngho didn’t question his father, knowing that his father barely came home on weekdays. 

  
  
  
  


The atmosphere rapidly changed, as a stream of people ran in a certain direction. Out of curiosity, Jaehyun stepped away from the exit and watched the ruckus from a distance. To this surprise, they headed towards Room 105. 

This made Jaehyun more nervous than before, as he followed their shadows. Yuta’s screams escalated throughout the hallway, causing Jaehyun’s fist to clench. 

In fact, Jaehyun lied to Youngho. From a about-to-be ex med student’s standpoint, Jaehyun felt too much empathy, that he couldn’t bring himself to think rationally in situations like this. The idea of someone’s livelihood depending on him feared Jaehyun, to the point where his mind would completely shut down. 

“Argh…..” 

Jaehyun took another peak of the situation. No matter how frightened he was, he couldn’t bring himself to leave, as his feet remained glued to the ground. 

With all his might, Yuta’s knuckles whitened as the nurses injected him. Jaehyun spotted his uncle, checking the IV drip. To Jaehyun’s envy, his uncle’s demeanor was completely calm-- If only Jaehyun could be like that. 

In the two weeks that Jaehyun was here, this was the first time that he stood in the center of the patient’s ward- not out of obligation, but from the token of his own heart. 

Jaehyun immediately turned around as his uncle stepped outside the room. 

“I thought you and Youngho left already,” he said. 

“Youngho forgot something,” Jaehyun said. 

“That kid...always forgetting things.” Youngho’s father said, shaking his head. 

“...”    
  


“Well, have a good rest then...I’ll see you two tomorrow,” his uncle said, as he gave him a pat on his back. 

**

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Youngho…” 

“Yeah?” Youngho asked, as he stepped on the gas pedal. 

“How did Yuta end up in a Korean hospice?” 

“His mother is actually Korean…” Youngho said, as he looked out the window. “His parents are divorced. Since his father has more money, he got custody of Yuta and took him to Japan when he was four years old.” 

“...” 

“He was diagnosed with the illness when he was about twenty three, when he was starting to get blurry visions while playing soccer….” 

“...” 

“Yuta’s been curious about his mother for a long time...so then as his last dying wish, Yuta wanted to spend time with his mother in Korea...without being committed to any treatments or anything of the sort…” 

“Doesn’t he want to live?” Jaehyun asked. “Why would he confine himself to a hospice when he could get treated at a hospital…” 

“That’s for Yuta to answer, not me…” Youngho said, as he placed his foot on the pedal.” 

**

For the time that Jaehyun stayed in this province, he made the choice of residing in a sharehouse since it was much cheaper. Youngho offered Jaehyun to stay at his house, but Jaehyun prefered the feeling of being separated from his family for certain periods of time.

He shared the house with three other people; Taeyong, Taeil and Jungwoo. Taeyong was here for marine-biology research, Taeil was a man who had recently gotten divorced, while Jungwoo was here to take care of his Grandmother. Taeil was the landlord who lived silently with then and minded his business most of the time. He owned a bookstore that was only a few blocks away from this house. 

“Welcome home,” Jungwoo said, as he glanced away from the television. 

“Hi,” Jaehyun said. 

Like always, Jaehyun kept to himself. 

“Do you want some fruits?” Taeyong asked, as he lifted a bowl from the coffee table. 

“I think I’m good,” Jaehyun said, as he headed towards the stairs. “Thanks for the offer though.” 

“I told you he wasn’t going to accept the fruits,” Jungwoo said. “He’s as antisocial as he can be.” 

“I wonder why he even insisted on living in a sharehouse if he wasn’t even going to eat with us most of the time,” Taeyong muttered under his breath, as he took a loud bite of his apple slice. 

Despite Jaehyun’s aloof nature, he could clearly hear their comments from upstairs. Though, he didn’t let them get to him, as he was already aware of the fact that he could never be the President of Korea with his limited social skills. 

Jaehyun headed to his room as he slowly shut the door behind him. Another sigh came out of Jaehyun’s mouth as he plummeted to this bed. He had no energy to wash up or even shower. He just wanted to isolate himself in silence, with the hopes of also silencing his thoughts. But he couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened, as he twisted back and forth to the imaginary echoes of Yuta’s screams. 

_ I’m so proud of you son.  _

_ I can’t believe my only child managed to get into med school!  _

Those thoughts circulated in Yuta’s mind, refusing to leave him like moths in a beam of light. 

How could he gutter himself in this situation? 

  
  


**

“You seem energetic today,” Youngho said. 

“Why is there something different about me today?” Jaehyun asked, as he tied his apron. 

“You’re less sluggish today.” 

“I just had a lot of coffee…” Jaehyun replied. 

“Well...coffee does change a person sometimes,” Youngho said, as he minced onions on the cutting board. 

“What are we making for lunch today?” Jaehyun asked. 

“We are making...kimchi jiggae,” Youngho replied, as he placed the onions inside the boiling pot. 

“I’ll cook the meat then,” Jaehyun said, as he headed towards the fridge. 

There was something different about Youngho’s face. For some reason, his eyelids were puffier than ever. Despite his curiosity, Jaehyun couldn’t bring himself to ask Johnny about something so trivial. 

“You keep looking at me. Is there something on my face?” Youngho asked, as he looked up at Jaehyun. 

“It’s nothing I swear,” Jaehyun said. 

“Probably it’s because of how swollen my eyes are...right?” Youngho said. 

“I-” 

“I admit...I cried last night,” Youngho said, as he put his knife down on the cutting board. 

“...” 

“I’ve never seen Yuta in that much pain before…” Youngho continued, his tone deepening. 

“You saw it too?” Jaehyun asked. 

“It was hard not to...when I was walking out of the locker area...I heard Yuta’s screams from across the corridor…” 

“...” 

“So when I got home...I broke down in tears,” Youngho said. 

“Do...do you think we should just stay as cooks then?” Jaehyun asked. 

“...” 

“Instead of trying to be friends with the patients here…” Jaehyun said. “Isn’t it a good idea to keep our distance from them?” 

“That may seem ideal but…” Youngho said, as he picked up his knife again. “I want to leave a lasting impression on them…” 

“...” 

“They already know that they’re dying...and they’re alone most of the time with the nurses...wouldn’t it be better to befriend them?” Youngho asked. 

“But you’re not the type to cry,” Jaehyun said. “Even when your girlfriend dumped you...you didn’t cry.” 

“Who said I didn’t cry?” Youngho asked, as he crossed his arms. 

“I’m also the type to not cry,” Jaehyun said, ignoring Youngho. 

“...” 

“But these days…” Jaehyun said, as he crushed the garlic. “It feels like I’ll cry soon…” 

**

_ “Aren’t you going to deliver this to his room?” Jaehyun asked, as he pointed at the tray.  _

_ “No...I don’t think I’ll be able to do it today...I have to go grocery shopping for tonight’s meals.” Youngho said. “You do it.”  _

_ “Me? Again?” Jaehyun said.  _

_ “Yeah,” Youngho said.  _

_ “Fine,” Jaehyun groaned. “I’ll do it.”  _

_ “Thanks…” Youngho said, as he gave Jaehyun a pat on the shoulder. “It’s not like you’re strangers.”  _

For the sake of his own convenience, Jaehyun pushed Yuta’s food in a cart. Jaehyun has yet to eat breakfast, which made him crave Yuta’s food even more. Youngho made sure that Yuta’s was the spiciest soup in town, as he added extra pepper flakes in it. Along with the flakes, there were also slices of tofu. 

As Jaehyun reached Yuta’s room, the remnants of last night’s flashbacks returned to him, as he heard Yuta’s screams from last night in his head. 

Jaehyun’s chest felt heavier than before, as he stood in front of Yuta’s door. The screams wouldn’t leave his head, despite Jaehyun’s efforts to forget them. 

But, he couldn’t let his bad memories rule him, right? Leaving himself with no choice, Jaehyun lifted his hand and tapped on Yuta’s door. 

“Come in.” 

Leaving his reluctance behind, Jaehyun invited himself in. His chest twinged, as he stepped closer to Yuta’s bed. 

Surprisingly, there was no trace of what had happened to him last night. Yuta looked exactly how he did before his relapse. It’s as if the world was back to normal. Perhaps, it was in Yuta’s eyes. 

Though Yuta was not even close to being his friend, Jaehyun felt a sudden need to protect this man. Perhaps, it was Youngho’s fondness for the man. Or, it was Jaehyun’s neverending curiosity about Yuta that led him to feel this way. 

“What’s for lunch?” 

“Kimchi Jiggae,” Jaehyun said. 

“My favorite,” Yuta said, smiling. 

There was that smile again. That big, bright smile that made Jaehyun’s knees weak. 

Jaehyun couldn’t stop himself from shaking, as he placed the utensils in Yuta’s reach. 

Jaehyun’s arms were ridden with goosebumps, as he felt Yuta’s fingertips against his. Jaehyun immediately pulled away, like the naive boy he was. 

“Sorry, I was trying to find the spoon…” Yuta said. 

“It’s fine…” Jaehyun croaked. 

“Where’s Youngho?” Yuta asked. 

“He...he went grocery shopping…” 

“I see…” 

“...” 

“I get so sad whenever I don’t get to talk to him,” Yuta sulked. 

It felt as if something heavy plunged in Jaehyun’s stomach as Yuta said those very words. Perhaps, Yuta was right. Youngho was more interesting and fun to talk to. Jaehyun was not. Why would anyone want to talk to someone so dry? 

“Do you need anything else?” Jaehyun asked. 

“No,” Yuta said. “But...this kimchi jiggae…” 

Jaehyun gulped. 

“Is spicier than ever…I can feel my glasses fogging.” 

“Do you need more water then?” 

“No, I’m fine…” Yuta said. “But..” 

“...” 

“I do need someone to stay with me…” 

Jaehyun suddenly grew short of breath, as he couldn’t find the right words to say. 

“My mom just left, and I’m feeling lonelier than ever.” 

“...” 

“Is it okay...if you read my book to me?” Yuta asked. 

“Your book?” Jaehyun said. 

“The Year of Magical Thinking…” Yuta answered. 

“Oh,” Jaehyun said, pretending like he didn’t know. 

“My mom brought me her physical copy today,” Yuta said. 

“I see it,” Jaehyun said, as he picked up the book near the vase of daisies. 

“Can you read...the parts my mom highlighted?” 

Jaehyun questioned why his mother bothered to highlight a book that her son wouldn’t be able to read.

“If you’re wondering...my mom highlighted those parts so she can read them to me the next time she goes here....but she had to go to work...and you’re the only one here.” 

“Okay,” Jaehyun said. “Do you want me to read them in order?” Jaehyun asked. 

“Whatever you like. I already finished listening to the audio book yesterday...but it feels nice to hear it from a human.” 

“...” 

“And...not to hit on you or anything...but you have a nice deep voice.” 

Jaehyun’s chest tightened, as Yuta’s words managed to fluster him. 

“Okay, I’ll start…” Jaehyun said, as he flipped to a random page. . 

_ Grief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life. Virtually everyone who has ever experienced grief mentions this phenomenon of “waves.” _

_ Tightness in the throat. _

_ Choking, need for sighing. _

_ Such waves began for me on the morning of December 31, 2003, seven or eight hours after the fact, when I woke alone in the apartment. I do not remember crying the night before; I had entered at the moment it happened. _

_ There had been certain things I had needed to do while the ambulance crew was in the living room. I had needed for example to get the copy of John’s medical summary, so I could take it with me to the hospital. I had needed for example to bank the fire, because I would be leaving it. There had been certain things I had needed to do at the hospital.  _ (Didion)

“My mom…” Yuta said. “She said...she’s preparing herself for when I go away...she said she’s already feeling these symptoms...the tightness in the throat...the choking…” 

“...” 

“Until I read this book, I wondered how people would be able to cope with my death...then I realized that people’s lives will still go on, even if I pass…even If I’m no longer here, the world won’t stop,” Yuta continued. 

“Isn’t it scary?” Jaehyun asked. 

“What is?” Yuta asked. 

“The feeling of knowing that you’re going to die...” Jaehyun croaked. 

Yuta froze.

“I was before. But I’m no longer scared.” 

“But...you have so many options in life...why would you end it all at a hospice? You can still go to a hospital and get better-” 

“I’m tired of it all...I’m tired of thinking that I’ll get better…I’ve already lost my sight. What’s the point of trying to fix it all?” Yuta asked. 

“But life...life is not as small as you make it to be…” Jaehyun croaked.

“Maybe it is to you...but for me? I’ve already accepted this fate,” Yuta snapped. 

“...” 

“Maybe it’s hard for you to understand, but if you tried to live in my shoes...maybe you’d see where I’m coming from.” 

A moment of silence cut through them, 

“You’re right…” Jaehyun said, as he rose from his stool. “Maybe I shouldn’t be so ignorant.” 

“...” 

“Do you want me to do anything else for you?” 

“I don’t think I’m hungry anymore,” Yuta said, as he turned to the window. 

A weight of apprehension made its way through Jaehyun’s stomach as Yuta placed his spoon down. Perhaps, Jaehyun has said too much. 

“I’ll take your tray then.” Jaehyun said, as he made his way to Yuta’s table. 

The silence between them prevailed, as Jaehyun took Yuta’s tray in his hands. Only half of the soup was eaten. If this was all it took to provoke Yuta, then Yuta must’ve been a pretty sensitive person. Perhaps, this was one of Yuta’s ‘difficulties’ that Johnny liked to talk about. 

_ “Talking to Yuta is like walking around egg shells...don’t tell him I said that though or he won’t talk to me for the rest of the day!”  _

Without another word, Jaehyun turned away from Yuta’s bed and headed towards the exit. Leaving the room, he didn’t take another look back. 

**

**

“He didn’t finish it?” 

“Nope.” 

“Did you say something that offended him?” 

“Maybe,” Jaehyun said, as he glanced over to the unfinished bowl. 

“He’s the type of man that needs to win in an argument,” Youngho chuckled. “But…” 

“...” 

“You’re not the type to start arguments,” Youngho said. 

“Really?” Jaehyun asked. 

“You don’t talk enough to cause debate,” Youngho stated, as he placed the paper bags on the counter. 

“I know,” Jaehyun groaned. 

“What did you say?” Youngho asked.

“I just said...to not take life for granted,” Jaehyun croaked, as he sat on the stool near the counter. “It’s not like I said something wrong...right?” 

“You know why people choose to go to hospices right?” Johnny asked. 

Jaehyun’s eyes hit the floor, acting like he didn’t know the answer. 

“Yeah…” Jaehyun nodded. 

“To live their final days...in dignity…” Youngho said. 

“I can see where I went wrong with my words,” Jaehyun said, as he bit his lip. 

“I know you’ll be too chicken to apologize...so then I came up with a plan to fix this problem,” Youngho proposed. 

“What is it?” Jaehyun asked, as he raised his head. 

A grin surfaced on Youngho’s face. 

“Let’s...take him out on a nice picnic.” 

“A...picnic?! How is that going to make him feel better?” Jaehyun asked, widening his eyes. 

“When you think about being in a picnic…” Younghos said, putting his hand on Yuta’s shoulder. “What do you see?” 

“Well....grass….wind….food….the smell of flowers…” Jaehyun said. 

“Exactly...those things will be perfect for him. He’s always cooped up in his hospital room. Minus the times his mom comes and visits. But that’s only twice a week.” 

“You’re sure it will work?” Jaehyun croaked. 

“Guaranteed,” Youngho said. 

**

Jaehyun didn’t know why Youngho had decided to have a picnic at night instead of waiting until the next day. He didn’t know if he was ready to face Yuta yet. It’s not like him and Yuta had a screaming match, or anything. Though, it felt as if something was off. Despite Jaehyun’s hesitance to leave the hospice kitchen, there was no point in opposing Youngho’s request, as he already took the initiative to resolve the conflicts between him and Yuta. 

Like always, Jaehyun stood from the back, as he watched Youngho guide Yuta from the bed onto his wheelchair. Youngho’s warmth and compassion was something that Jaehyun could not ignore about him. Those traits, along with Youngho’s height was something that Jaehyun envied. 

Youngho’s parents would always compare Youngho and Jaehyun since the day both of them went to school. While Youngho excelled in sports and befriending people, Jaehyun was more gifted academically. For that very reason, Youngho’s parents would condemn Youngho for not doing well in school in comparison to Jaehyun. 

Many people saw Jaehyun’s intelligence as a blessing. Yet, Jaehyun considered it as a curse--a burden that he will forever be associated with. 

Youngho could’ve followed the path of med school like Jaehyun. Instead, he chose to go to culinary school and work at his family’s hospice instead of practicing his talents in a famous, five star restaurant. It’s not like he needed to go to culinary school. 

But Youngho wasn’t like that. Instead of striving for the top, he prefered to stay grounded.

“Jaehyun is with us,” Youngho said, as he wheeled Yuta towards the door. 

“He...he is?” 

“He’s carrying the basket of food that we made,” Youngho said. 

“That’s nice,” Yuta muttered. 

Somewhat, Yuta reminded Jaehyun of a bumble bee. Despite Yuta’s remarkable personality, he had the tendency to be soft spoken. He was quiet, but sharp at the same time. For some reason, Jaehyun found those traits to be quite endearing. 

“Aren’t the nurses usually against patients going out this late?” Yuta asked. 

“I’m the director’s son, remember?” Youngho asked. 

“How could I forget?” Yuta said. 

With a little conversation here and there, they managed to reach the end of the corridor. 

From Jaehyun’s judgement behind the window, It wasn’t a perfect day as the sun started to fade. The gradiance of the evening sky started to seep in. There was a slight breeze that rustled the trees, neutralizing the heat from the summer afternoon. 

“Ah, it’s rare for me to go out this late…” 

“We can only stay out for one hour,” Johnny said. “But don’t worry, we’re still in the courtyard...so even if something goes wrong, we can run to get a nurse in a blink of an eye.” 

“Sounds good,” Yuta said. 

Jaehyun trailed behind them, as he became slower with each step. His focus gratified away from them, as he thought about his future, and what could possibly happen after this summer is over. He could go back to Seoul and study for law school. He could work in his uncle’s hospice for the rest of his life and avoid his parent’s confrontation. If life was meaningless, then why was it so hard to stay afloat? 

“How does it look like right now?” Yuta asked. 

“The sky...it’s a mix of orange and purple…” Youngho said. 

“For some reason, I’m starting to forget how colors look like…” Yuta said.

“Oh...then…” 

“But I do know that the sun is setting right now,” Yuta smiled. 

“You’re right. See? You didn’t forget much?” Youngho said. 

Youngho halted his steps, as he settled beneath an oak tree. To ensure Yuta’s safety, he rolled his wheelchair adjacent to the tree trunk. Jaehyun laid out the linen sheet onto the grass and placed the basket on top. Inside, were ham and lettuce sandwiches wrapped in plastic, which Jaehyun ended up distributing. 

“Wait…” Youngho said, as he sorted out the basket. “I forgot one thing.” 

“What is it?” Jaehyun asked. 

“Cider. Apple cider.” 

“There’s water already though,” Jaehyun said, pointing at the basket. 

“That’s not enough,” Johnny said, as he shook his head. “The apple cider sets the mood.” 

“It does?” Jaehyun asked, puzzled. 

“Yes,” Youngho said, as he gritted his teeth. “You know what...I’m going to get the bottle…” 

“But Youngho-” 

Before Jaehyun could even hear Youngho’s reason, Youngho darted from the tree. “I’ll be back!” 

Jaehyun ruffled his hair out of distress. Why was Youngho so damn forgetful? Jaehyun expected this picnic to be at least peaceful. Maybe his expectations were a bit too high. 

Heaving a sigh, Jaehyun turned to Yuta. The sandwich remained clasped in Yuta’s hand. There were no words that Jaehyun could say at the moment. Instead, he let the atmosphere speak for itself, as the wind continued to blow. 

Wisps of Yuta’s hair blew to his face. Jaehyun was eager to brush it off. Though, his reluctance prevented him from doing so, as he remained seated on the ground. 

“I know you’re trying to find the right words to say to me.” 

Jaehyun’s head rose. 

“I’ll say it first then,” Yuta said. “I’m sorry.” 

“...” 

“I didn’t mean to make things awkward between us.” 

“It’s okay…” Jaehyun murmured, as he yanked bits of grass off the ground. “I mean...I guess, I was a little insensitive for questioning your choices.” 

“...” 

“You’re right…” Jaehyun continued. “I’ll never understand you.” 

The grass flew away from Jaehyun’s hands, as the wind swept them off his palms. Bits of soil was stuck on Jaehyun’s hands, causing him to wipe his hands on his pants. 

“You’re in med school...right?” Yuta asked. 

Jaehyun’s chest rose. 

“How did you know?” 

“Your cousin.” 

“Well…” Jaehyun said, as he unwrapped his sandwich. “Not for now....” 

“Why not?” 

“I took a leave…” 

“Because?” 

Jaehyun debated on whether to tell Yuta the truth regarding his medical school dilemma. Youngho only knew a bit of it. There was nothing else for them to talk about, so Jaehyun might as well turn this awkward moment into something interesting. 

“I was in my third year of med school...in the middle of my internship and clinical rotations…” 

“...” 

“During my time there, I convinced myself that I was doing fine…I convinced myself that I knew what I was doing...” 

“...” 

“Until I came across this incident in the E.R….there was an influx of people that were brought in because of a bus accident” 

“...” 

“My brain...it wasn’t working that day for some reason...my whole body just froze...the blood...the sight of people dying...it felt like the world was ending for me that day…that I almost fainted...” 

“...” 

“After that accident I was placed in pediatrics…” Jaehyun said. “I overestimated myself and told that it would be the easiest part of my clinicals...but I was wrong…” 

“...” 

“I had to shadow a doctor that was treating a child with Stage 5 Lukeimia…” 

“...” 

“Over the time I was there, that child’s smile was starting to get to me. Even though that child almost looked like a skeleton...they still had hope that they were going to be healed…” 

“...” 

“Even though I wasn’t that child’s doctor...she was so happy whenever she saw me…” Jaehyun croaked. 

“...” 

“After she died...I went on a downward spiral….I don’t even know why I let myself get attached to that child…” 

Jaehyun couldn’t continue his story, as his mouth ran dry of words to say. Though reluctant at first, he turned around to see what Yuta’s reaction would be. 

“It means you have a heart Jaehyun.” 

A lump travelled down Jaehyun’s throat. So far, two people have told him that. For some reason, Jaehyun was tired of getting reassurance from people. He wanted to know his flaws. His weaknesses. 

“But you’re also too idealistic,” Yuta finished. 

“...” 

“Sometimes, we just have to accept what life has for us,” Yuta said. 

“...” 

“You probably lived in a loving family, didn’t you?” Yuta asked. 

“Yes…” Jaehyun answered. 

“With a life that had little to no obstacles?” 

“Yes.” 

“With achievements that came to you easily?” 

“Yes,” Jaehyun said.

As much as Jaehyun hated to admit it, he had a pretty easy life. He barely knew what hardship was. His parents earned enough in their jobs to sustain him and his privileged life. He barely studied for tests and still got high marks. People were nice to him. He didn’t please people, because he never thought it was necessary for him to do so. 

“That’s why your mindset is like that…” Yuta sighed. 

“...” 

“You live in a utopia...you desire a picture perfect life, with no death, no conflict…that you can’t accept why certain things don’t go the way they’re supposed to…” 

“Maybe you’re right…” Jaehyun said, as he swallowed his sandwich. “Maybe I am too idealistic.” 

“Youngho is like that too....” Yuta said. 

“...” 

“Except...he’s probably already used to the feeling of losing someone.” 

Jaehyun exactly knew what Yuta was referring to, as the image of Youngho’s mother surfaced in his mind. 

“I’m back!” Youngho cried--with the bottle of cider finally in his hands. 

“Took you long enough…” Yuta chuckled. 

“You already ate your sandwich Jaehyun?” Youngho asked. 

Jaehyun gaped at the half eaten sandwich in his hand. 

“I---” 

“It’s okay...at least we still have fruits in this basket,” Youngho said, as he pulled out the grapes. 

“That’s why it’s important to have a back up plan.” Yuta said. “You never know what could happen.” 

**

After the picnic, Yuta and Youngho packed their things and headed back to Yuta’s room. The nurses assisted them with bringing him back. The two cousins didn’t leave until Yuta was bathed and ready for bed. 

“Youngho…” Jaehyun said, as he looked out the car window. 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you think…”

“...” 

“I’m too idealistic?” Jaehyun asked. 

“I can’t really answer that...I don’t think of you too deeply,” Youngho chuckled, as he took a turn to the right. 

“...” 

“Is that what Yuta said to you?” Youngho asked. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun nodded. 

“Well...maybe you are,” Youngho said. “But not through your words...but maybe through your actions…” 

“...” 

“When things don’t go your way...you tend to run away. That’s why you’re here working in this hospice right now instead of telling your parents that you dropped out of medical school.” 

“...” 

“You had high expectations for yourself, and now you don’t know where to go…” Youngho continued. 

“...” 

“Well...I think that’s what Yuta would say...I’m not a psychologist or anything like that though,” Youngho chuckled. 

“You two know each other so well…” Jaehyun remarked. 

_ “Thank you for spending the evening with me…” Yuta said. “It really means a lot.”  _

_ “It’s just a picnic,” Youngho stated. “We can have more of those next time.”  _

_ “Hopefully,” Yuta said, as he settled his head on the pillow.  _

_ Youngho pulled the blanket up to Yuta’s chest. Yuta rolled over to the side, ensuring his comfort. Then, Youngho slowly pulled Yuta’s sunglasses away from his face, revealing Yuta’s half-open eyes.  _

_ “You don’t need to wear these all the time...but why do you keep insisting on wearing them?” Youngho asked, as he placed the sunglasses on the desk.  _

_ “My voice is expressive...but my eyes probably look dead from the outside...I’m scared that they won’t match when I talk....” Yuta muttered.  _

_ Jaehyun took a step closer, as he obtained a better view of Yuta’s eyes. For some reason, he smiled, knowing that he finally got to see them. _

_ Youngho’s hand met a strand of Yuta’s hair, as he brushed the strands away from his face. Witnessing this moment, Jaehyun took a step back, not knowing what to do, nor where to look, as chills entered his spine.  _

_ Then, Youngho’s fingertips traced against Yuta’s jaw. Jaehyun pretended not to see, as he turned to the picture shelf, eyeing the picture of Yuta playing soccer.  _

“We’re here…” Youngho said, as he pressed on the gas pedal. 

“Thanks for the ride,” Jaehyun said, as he unbuckled his seatbelt. “See you tomorrow.” 

“See you,” Youngho said. “Do you want me to pick you up?” 

“I think...I’ll take the taxi...I don’t want to bother you,” Jaehyun said. “I’m thinking of coming in the afternoon.” 

“Suits me...see you then.” 

**

_ He loves Yuta.  _

_ He doesn’t love Yuta.  _

_ He loves Yuta.  _

_ He doesn’t love Yuta.  _

Jaehyun’s mind went back and forth, as he peeled the carrots over the table. For some reason, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about this possibility of Youngho loving Yuta. It’s not like it was Jaehyun’s business anyways. But for some reason, it irked him; like an itch that wouldn’t go away. 

Jaehyun kept his distance from Youngho, as he faced his back against him, not saying a single word. It didn’t seem like Youngho cared, as he immersed himself in his cooking. Sometimes, words were not needed when the situation didn’t call for it. 

The blade of Jaehyun’s knife jumped in different directions, causing him to miss at certain areas of the carrot. 

“Ow!” 

“Jaehyun? Are you okay!” 

Youngho rushed over. A splat of Jaehyun’s blood hit the knife. 

“You idiot…” Youngho groaned, as he rushed over to the cabinet. 

With a first aid kit in hand, Youngho took possession of Jaehyun’s hand and inspected the cut. 

“You know…” Jaehyun said, as he took Youngho’s hand away from his wrist. “I’m fine…” 

“...” 

“You don’t always have to come for the rescue,” Jaehyun said, as he headed over to the sink.

“...” 

“It’s a given rule that the wound needs to be washed before we cover it with bandaids…” 

“Okay doctor,” Youngho said. “Sorry for being concerned.” 

Jaehyun’s tongue itched to say something back, as he feared to make Youngho feel bad. Though, he couldn’t bring himself to do so, as the image of Youngho’s hand kept resurfacing in his mind. 

“I’m just going to step outside...if you don’t mind.” 

“If that’s what makes you comfortable….” Youngho said. 

“I’ll be back in ten minutes,” Jaehyun said. 

Youngho stepped aside, as Jaehyun walked past him. 

Jaehyun knew that he would regret acting like this, yet he couldn’t suppress himself, nor his decisions. Usually, there would be a voice in Jaehyun’s head that would tell him to stop. Today, that voice wasn’t there to help him. 

His feet punched the ground, as if his life had depended on it. The air was dry and not windy like yesterday, as the scorching sun futhered Jaehyun’s distress.

Why was he acting like this? 

For all his life, Jaehyun managed to perfect the skill of self-regulation and convinced himself to prioritize rationality over every emotion. It was a form of toxicity that he fed to himself--a taste that he couldn't stop consuming. 

A soccer ball rolled to Jaehyun’s direction. Behind the ball was a kid who chased it. The ball stopped, as Jaehyun’s foot took initiative. 

“Thank you…” 

“Jisung?! Where are you?”

Jisung was another kid that Youngho talked about. He was the child of a leukemia patient in room 103. A flashback entered Jaehyun’s mind, as he remembered Youngho and him talking about Jisung over the dinner table. The sadness of this kid’s backstory was sad enough to almost put Jaehyun into tears, considering the fact that Jisung was only thirteen years old. 

“Where were you playing?” Jaehyun asked. 

“Over there,” Jisung said, as he pointed to the goalie net. 

Jaehyun followed Jisung. The kid was too fast for him to catch up. Luckily, Jaehyun was a quick walker. 

The sight of the wheelchair causes Jaehyun’s breath to hitch. 

“Aren’t you Youngho-hyung’s friend at the kitchen?” Jisung asked. 

“Y...yeah I am,..” Jaehyun croaked. 

“Jae...Jaehyun?” 

The sound of Yuta’s voice caused Jaehyun’s chest to rise. 

“How are you playing soccer right now? I mean...you can’t even see…” Jaehyun said. 

“What are you talking about?” Yuta asked. 

“Youngho said...you’ve lost sight in..your eyes…” 

“It’s not like I’m a corpse or anything...what does me being sick have to do with not being able to play soccer-” 

“You can’t just be in the courtyard unattended!” Jaehyun cried. 

“The...the nurse was just here a minute ago…” 

“But she’s not even here!” Jaehyun spat. 

A wave of anxiety hit Jaehyun, as Yuta placed his feet on the ground. 

“What are you doing?!” Jaehyun cried, as he grabbed Yuta’s wrist. 

“I...I’m proving you that I’m not as weak as I seem to be…” 

“Are you crazy? What if you hurt yourself?” 

Jaehyun stumbled back, as Yuta rose himself to Jaehyun’s level. Jaehyun’s fear worsened, as Yuta took two steps forward. 

“Yuta hyung...you should sit back down…” Jisung croaked, as the soccer ball fell off his hands. 

“No Jisung…” Yuta muttered. “I can do it…” 

Every step of Yuta’s was wobbly and unstable. Jaehyun couldn’t bring himself to stop the man, as he gawked at the miracle that happened in front of him. 

“Jisung...put the ball near my foot...I’ll kick it…” 

The boy compiled to Yuta’s orders. The voice that Jaehyun longed for finally kicked in his head, as it told him to stop Yuta from over-exerting himself. But then, there was also Jaehyun’s heart that told him to let him taste this bit of short-lived freedom. 

For the first time ever, Jaehyun followed his heart, as Yuta’s foot struck the ball. The kick was perfect, to say at the least, perfect to the point that it leapt in the air faster than the blink of an eye. 

A thud followed, as Yuta’s body surrendered. 

**

_ It’s all my fault.  _

_ If I hadn’t let him kick that ball… _

_ He wouldn’t be suffering… _

“How’s Yuta?” Jaehyun asked, as he rose from the kitchen stool. 

“He’s resting right now..his breathing seems to be stable…” Youngho said, as he walked towards Jaehyun’s direction. 

“I’m sorry…” Jaehyun croaked. 

“It’s not your fault...he’s stubborn to deal with...even the nurses know that…” 

“...” 

“But then…” Youngho said. 

“...” 

“One of them got in trouble for neglecting him at the courtyard with a kid that’s not his guardian...so they’re in my dad’s office right now...deciding what to do with her…” Youngho explained. 

**

_ It’s not a good idea for me to be in this room right now.  _

_ But why do I keep going here?  _

Only the bedside lamp was on, causing the shadows to loom over Yuta’s face. 

Unlike before, the bed was not angled upwards. Instead, Yuta’s head was strictly on the pillow, with his eyes slightly half open. 

It’s sad that Yuta had to live this way. A man that strived to do more was bed bound. His days left on this Earth were being measured second by second, as if he was a man sinking in quicksand. 

Jaehyun was trained to know every single thing that happened in one’s body. But for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to think rationally when Yuta was in front of him. His anatomy books became meaningless. The knowledge he acquired from acclaimed medical journals became meaningless. 

Right now, he was a walking psychology book, interested in how his mind processed this type of feeling--This heart wrenching, sorrowful, hopeless feeling. 

He sat down on the stool beside Yuta’s bed. Yuta’s hand slipped to his side. At first, Jaehyun thought that Yuta was still asleep. To Jaehyun’s surprise, Yuta’s head slightly tilted to the side. 

The more Jaehyun looked at Yuta, the more he’d wanted to cry. 

Though it was obvious, everything about Yuta looked so frail. There was nothing pretty about him as of now. His eyes almost sank to his skull. The orange light of the lamp was only there there to hide the ashiness of his skin. His hair was matted and tangled underneath the pillow. Jaehyun could not sugarcoat his condition. 

“Jae...Jaehyun?” 

“Yes..” 

“Wh...what are you doing here…” Yuta mumbled. 

“I just wanted to know if you’re holding on.” 

“I don’t know…” Yuta said. “Maybe...I can die in any second.” 

Jaehyun bit his tongue, as he stopped himself from reprimanding Yuta. 

“It’s getting harder to breathe...it feels like I’m gravitating to the place they always talk about.” 

The unclear quality of Yuta’s voice was indicative of everything that Jaehyun feared. 

Instead of holding himself back, Jaehyun wrapped his hand around Yuta’s. 

“Why...why are you like this Jaehyun…” Yuta said, as he closed his eyes. “Why...are you here...instead of Youngho…” 

Those words stang, but it didn’t stop Jaehyun from pursuing his feelings. 

“I just...wanted to know the feeling of your hand,” Jaehyun said. 

“...” 

“I want to talk to you before I regret anything else. Especially...with the time that you have left…” Jaehyun said. 

“...” 

“To make myself less sad, I’ll just pretend...that you’re…” Jaehyun croaked. 

“...” 

“You’re going on a vacation...and that I won’t see you for a long time…” 

“...” 

“You’re a very optimistic boy…” Yuta smiled. 

“I’m trying…” Jaehyun sighed. 

“...” 

“You’re what they call...a Magical Thinker…” Yuta said. 

“A magical thinker?” 

“When...you invest your thoughts into a belief that is not logical at all…” 

Jaehyun chuckled. 

“It’s helping me cope…” Jaehyun said. 

“...” 

“But the reason why I’m here….is also because…” 

“...” 

“I feel helpless…” Jaehyun finished. 

“...” 

“It feels like everything is my fault...when I let you kick that ball...I should’ve stopped you...I should’ve took the ball from you…” 

“It’s not your fault…” Yuta said, as he slowly shook his head. 

“...” 

“I was in the courtyard with the nurse...I heard a kid running....even though I couldn’t see him...I knew he was playing soccer from the sound of the ground...and the ball moving….” Yuta explained. 

“...” 

“Another patient was experiencing pain...and...the nurse...said they were short staffed...and told me to stay there until she came back...so then I went to the kid…” 

“...” 

“And I asked him if I could play soccer with me…” 

“...” 

“He was doubtful at first...but then he was just a kid...so then he let me…” 

“...” 

“For the first time in my life...I was so happy...just to kick a ball...just to move in a field…” Yuta croaked. 

“...” 

“…”

“For some reason, people take part the blame when something bad happens...they said that I should’ve done this...or that I should’ve done that…” 

“...” 

“But…” Yuta said. “It’s not anybody’s fault…” 

“...”

“So Jaehyun...don’t stress yourself too much…” 

Before Jaehyun even knew it, he could no longer hold himself back. 

He was crying. Uncontrollably. No form of consolation could stop the tears from flowing, in fact--it would drive him more to sadness. The 26 year old, rational Jaehyun suddenly turned into a child. But this time, he wasn’t crying about something trivial. 

The rest of his problems turned into dust. His medical school ordeal. His jealousy towards Youngho. The fear of his parent’s disappointment. 

If they saw him crying over a man that he barely knew in his deathbed, perhaps, they would truly be disappointed. 

**

**1 Week Later:**

“Even though I’m thankful for what you’ve done…” Joohyun said. 

“...” 

“I don’t know why you lied to the director for me…” 

Joohyun and Jaehyun were in cafe near the hospice, sipping on hot chocolate that Joohyun paid for. 

“You don’t deserve to be fired,” Jaehyun said. 

“But...I was careless…” Joohyun said. 

“It’s not like you had any malicious intent. And if you get fired from this hospice, it’ll be hard to get into another hospital…” Jaehyun stated. 

“...” 

“Yuta said it’s nobody’s fault…” Jaehyun said. “He said...he knew what he was doing...and that’s why...it happened to him.” 

“I can’t argue with you no longer..it feels like I’ll lose every time I try to…” Joohyun sighed.  _.  _

_ “Jaehyun...why are you kneeling in front of me?” Jaehyun’s uncle said.  _

_ His hands were on his hips, seemingly frustrated with his Jaehyun’s actions.  _

_ “It wasn’t Nurse Joohyun’s fault…” Jaehyun said, as he lowered his head.  _

_ “...”  _

_ “I was the one who took Yuta out...I told...I told Joohyun that she could leave Yuta with me so she can take care of the patient…” Jaehyun said.  _

_ “It doesn’t look like that in the surveillance camera…” his uncle hissed.  _

_ “Just...just don’t get her fired please!” Jaehyun cried.  _

_ “Jaehyun…”  _

_ “In the end….I...I was the one who didn’t stop Yuta from standing up on the wheelchair...I could’ve wheeled him back to his room...but I didn’t….I let him overexert himself…”  _

_ “I’ll make my decision....but first, get of your knees...I don’t like seeing my nephew on his knees…”  _

***

Jaehyun has never seen Youngho cry. Until now. 

The man that used to look so tall, had his back pressed against the kitchen door, with his head sunk in his lap. 

Jaehyun knew that this wouldn’t be beneficial. So then he cooked breakfast in lieu of Youngho. He wasn’t as good of a chef as Youngho, but he did try. Luckily, nobody complained about the food. 

It was strange for Jaehyun to not cook kimchi rice, especially in the morning. So then, he made it, even though nobody had requested it. 

In fact, nobody ate it, as it sat on the kitchen counter, untouched. 

This was something that Jaehyun feared. The feeling of being too attached to someone that was about to die. Or in this situation, to someone who was already dead. 

The feeling of grief...its physicality, was beginning to take a toll on them. The choking. The tightness of the throat. The need to sigh. 

Rather than feeling itself, Jaehyun was wary of its aftermath. Its effects were inevitable. It happened to him. It happened to Youngho. 

.**

  
  
  


10 years later: 

“Thank you Dr. Jung!” 

“No problem…” 

Jaehyun pulled out a lollipop from his white coat. The little girl’s eyes immediately lit up, as Jaehyun placed the candy in her tiny hands. 

Then, Jaehyun greeted her with a salute and placed his hands in his pockets. 

“Dr. Jung…” 

Jaehyun turned around. 

“Thank you for treating my child!” 

A woman who was about his age bowed at him. 

For days, the patient that Jaehyun was treating had endured sleepless nights, after being hit with pneumonia. 

As a pediatrician, he received a number of  _ thank yous  _ from his patients, along with their parents. At first, his cheeks would burn from flattery. But as time went by, the thank yous felt less shocking to him. Instead, he acknowledged it as a part of his job. 

Along with the thank yous, there was also the anxiety. The anger. The weight of pressure that he got. Just because he was the most knowledgeable one in the room, the most competent-made people think that he was immune to uncertainty and irrationality. 

He couldn’t blame them for thinking this way. Prior to his re-enrollment in med school, he had a disillusioned idea about doctors-that they were these perfect, unshaken human beings that didn’t let their emotions get the best of them. Half of it was true. But, Jaehyun realized that doctors were good actors, just as they were good at healing the human body. 

After completing his rounds, Jaehyun headed back to his office. He booked this afternoon off, specifically for this event that he couldn’t miss. 

Jaehyun’s screen lit up, much to his surprise. 

_ Youngho: Yo Jaehyun. Are you out of the hospital yet?  _

_ Jaehyun: Just about to. Wait for me.  _

Jaehyun grinned. He grabbed a book and his phone off his desk. In less than a second, his office was vacant. 

**

“You’re late,” Youngho said, tapping his watch. 

“Sorry…” 

“I’m joking,” Youngho said, parting his back from his car. 

“I can never tell when you’re joking,” Jaehyun said, as he rolled his eyes. 

Footsteps marked the sandy grounds, as the two men walked towards the shore. The wind was exceptionally strong today, causing their jackets to flap. 

Jaehyun kept the book tight in his grip. 

“You never let me read that book, no matter how much I want to read it.” 

“You’re too forgetful for me to trust you with it. Be thankful that his mom lent you his sunglasses.” 

“You’re right,” Youngho said, as he readjusted the dark frames on his head. 

After Yuta’s passing, his mother gave two of his items to Youngho and Jaehyun. She informed them that Yuta would rather have his belongings in the care of others, rather than letting it sit in a box of dusty objects. 

Out of all the things that were offered, Jaehyun wanted Yuta’s copy of  _ A Year of Magical Thinking.  _ He was immediately intrigued by it with his first read. 

Soon, they were at the tip of the shore, as water splashed on the tips of their shoes. The sun was about to sink, as the colors of amber and indigo settled on the horizon. 

“Yuta-ssi, how are you doing?” Youngho asked. “Have you eaten your favorite kimchi fried rice?” 

Their first attempt of this ritual was unbearable, to the point where the both of them agreed to forget about it. The pain was still fresh for them at that time, as Youngho kept on crying, while Jaehyun couldn’t say anything. 

At each ritual, Jaehyun would read a line in Yuta’s book. The only line that was highlighted with the color green. 

__

  
  
  


_ I know why we try to keep the dead alive: we try to keep them alive in order to keep them with us. _

_ I also know that if we are to live ourselves there comes a point at which we must relinquish the dead, let them go, keep them dead. _

_ Let them become the photograph on the table. _

_ Let them become the name on the trust accounts. _

_ Let go of them in the water. _

The last three sentences were the ones that struck Jaehyun the most. At the most random times, he would pull out the book and linger on that page until it was time for him to snap back into reality. 

Many people seem to think that death is the end of everything. Turns out, it wasn’t. If it was, then why couldn’t Jaehyun stop thinking about Yuta? Perhaps, this was another stage of Yuta’s life. A stage for people to grieve on his past existence. 

Though Jaehyun has only known Yuta for a short period of time, that man had taught him many things. Through Yuta’s philosophies and outlook on life, he’d learned to accept the tragedies that may occur to him. He acknowledged that it was okay to cry and that it was okay to be scared, because in the end, things were bound to be inevitable. 

  
  
  


______

I hope you guys liked my story ~ It is a bit deep and sad, but oh well...I wanted to make people sad 

Follow me on @sIutyuta via Twitter (yes the l is an i) 

Thank you so much to @y_yutafever on Twitter for Beta-reading my fic!! :)))

I referenced Joan Didion's 'The Year of Magical Thinking'. It's an amazing book. Yall should read it. 

And just in case I get sued...I'll put a formal citation in. Heh. 

MLA (7th ed.)

  
 **Didion** , **Joan**. The Year of Magical **Thinking**. New York: Vintage International, 2007. Print.  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
